Men: This may change your life

In my years on Earth, I have made a few life-altering personal discoveries. One day I may sit down and make a list of all of them so that I may pass on this acquired knowledge. Today is not that day.

However, about 10 years ago, I first discovered the wonderment that is body powder. It changed my life for the better. I can't imagine living without out it. The only problem was the options:

1) Baby Powder - This stuff is the easiest to find, and the cheapest. However, baby powder smells like... baby powder.

2) Shower to Shower - This was pretty much the best option, in my opinion. But, it's a little more expensive and it's harder to find. Also, you need to shop that creepy section of the store that's dominated by strange "woman-products" like the "half-loaf-of-bread" sponges. And of course this product was designed with women in mind, so you had less-than-masculine fragrance options like lilac, lavender, etc... You needed to find something like "tropical island" or some other almost sexually ambiguous smell.

3) The Powders in the Men's Section - These were, ironically (or perhaps not... whatever, shut up), my least preferred option. We're talking about Gold Bond and the like. Sure, they had more manly smells, but they were all "medicated powders!" So, they had that smell in the mix as well. And... they tingled and sometimes even burned! These powders were designed with specific issues in mind, and were less than ideal for general daily use.

Men, the Gods of Freshness have finally smiled upon us! A recent trip to the store revealed this physical manifestation of Their Benevolence:

Yes, friends. At long last, a man may enjoy body powder while still smelling like a man. It is a great day, indeed. (And it's about time. I mean, Shower to Shower is made by "Johnson & Johnson." You'd have thought it would have occurred to "Dick Euphemism & Dick Euphemism" to make a version of their product for people with... "Johnsons.")

Rams / Rush Limbaugh

If you haven't been paying attention, Rush Limbaugh has been a part of a group of partners submitting a bid to purchase the St Louis Rams. Everyone and their sister who disagrees with Rush politically has come out of the woodwork to try to keep this from going down. It got crazy enough that Rush has backed out, and the bid is going forward without his involvement.

My take: I just don't get it. Maybe someone can explain it me. I don't get what the fuck difference it makes; or who may or may not offer to buy something in the open market. Why does it matter? Or more importantly, how dare you get involved in someone else's business transaction? Are you going to start deciding who can buy a house in your neighborhood? This is the same damn thing.

Who cares if you disagree politically? How does that affect the sport? The NFL allows players convicted of manslaughter and dog-fighting. That's right. People who play the game are directly involved with killing humans and puppies, but Rush Limbaugh is too controversial to be part owner of a team. That's retarded.

But he's RACIST. Oh is he? If you're claiming that, I can promise you I have listened to his show more than you have. He hasn't said the racist things he's been accused of saying. Do I think Rush is a racist? Well, you can never truly know what's in a man's heart. Maybe he is. I think everyone is at least a little bit racist. But even if he is, is he any more racist than any other rich white person? How many rich white people own sports teams?

If there's something I've missed, please explain it to me. You'd think the average football fan would be more concerned with the Rams' string of losses than with who owns the team. When you have the longest losing streak in the NFL, you might want to embrace just about any change.

MasturDating

So... as I have found myself back in St Louis with a social circle consisting mostly of friends who are married, I've decided to give the internet dating scene a try. I have a profile up on Match.com, so that's a bit of my writing that people who aren't trying to date me may never come across. I thought I'd share it in this Blog. Feel free to give me tips/pointers. My future children may thank you for your role in their creation! Here's what I have so far:


Headline:
I do a great Sean Connery.


for fun:
I like going out sometimes. I like staying in sometimes. I'm sure that makes me different from everyone else in the world.

my job:
I work for a steel company. I was doing sales from my apartment in Chicago, but my dad had a health scare several months ago, and that prompted me to move back and take on more responsibility.

my religion:
There needs to be a category for Catholic/Agnostic. I'd totally check that box.

my education:
There also needs to be a category for "Some Grad School, but I dropped out because I decided not to be an Opera singer." I'd check that box, too.

favorite things:
Lost, Family Guy, Dexter, South Park, The Simpsons, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Flight of the Conchords, Entourage, Battlestar Galactica, Mythbusters, ... I'm going to stop now.

about me and who I'm looking for:
I've noticed a lot of profiles include phrases like "I'd like someone who can keep up with me" or "Can you keep up?" Do relationships usually involve a lot of running? No wonder they can be exhausting...

I'm tall, not dark (don't even tan that well) and honest. Probably honest and blunt to a fault. I don't play games unless they are fun. I have some kind of beard more often than not, but someone always makes me shave before it grows to truly epic, civil war proportions. There's oodles more to me than this, but we need something to talk about when we go out, right?

Ok, so what's my type? Definitely someone with some sass. A little on the girly side is great, but she should be willing to dress down and get some dirt in the fingernails sometimes. And she absolutely needs to be able to hold her own in a fast-paced, wit-flying conversation with my friends or family. And physically? Well, she has to look better in one of my shirts than I do. (Shouldn't be too hard.)

An ideal first date would include dinner or drinks, being goofy, and impressing eath other with useless trivia and endless sarcasm. If we have time, we can fix global warming and solve the health care crisis. Maybe we'll hunt a bear.

Nobel Noob

Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize today.

"Obama won? Really? Wow," said David Hassan, 43, of Pine Brook, New Jersey, from his coffee and pastry cart in Times Square. "He deserves it I guess, he's the president. He's a smart guy and I guess he's into peace."

Now, we're only three Blogs into this new site, so you may not know what my political leanings are. I'll be upfront and honest; I have a conservative bias. But seriously? Come on. This is... ri-donk-ulous. I'm probably not going to be able to add much to the discussion that hasn't already been better stated elsewhere. But what I can do is sum it all up and offer my own mini-rant:

The deadline for nominations was February 1st, 2009. The Presidential Inauguration was January 20th, 2009, less than two weeks prior. Obama is the third sitting president to ever be given this peace prize. And he was nomimated after being in office for less than two weeks. So, either he did something remarkable between January 20th and February 1st, or he was nominated simply for winning an historic election. Oh, and not being Bush. That's a good thing, too.

Except, what non-Bush things has he done? Gitmo hasn't been closed. We're still fighting, and even adding more troops, in Afghanistan. SNL is doing comedy skits on just how little Obama has done or changed anything.

Okay, so there's no change... yet. But there's still hope, right? I mean, that's what this guy is all about. Hope and Change? It's even been said that this award is less about what's he's accomplished and more about encouraging him to follow through on his promises. It's preemptive. I mean, we all KNOW he's going to do great things right? What's wrong with helping build a little momentum?

Here's what's wrong (at least in my mind): Every decision the dude makes from this point on is going to be in the shadow of this "Peace Prize." He still has 3-7 years left in office. He may have to make a military decision between now and the end of his presidency. Is he going to have to decide between what he should do and what a "Nobel Peace Prize Winner" would do? I hope not. And frankly, I think he's smarter than that. But I do think the global community is trying to influence him that way. In the best light, this is silly. In the worst light... ok it's still silly.

Two key White House aides were both convinced they were being punked when they heard the news, reported ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos.

“It’s not April 1, is it?” one said.

I spent $500 at Costco last night

The title of the post may be a little misleading. I apologize. Actually, I spent $498.70. I am still in shock. How is this possible?!

Here's a list of the stuff on the receipt... these prices may appear high, but you can assume that most of what I bought was some sort of large, bulk/economy package:

$9.69 - Popcorn
$6.49 - Cereal
$15.99 - Coffee
$13.39 - DayQuil
$13.39 - NyQuil
$19.88 - Tide
$6.99 - Apples
$21.99 - Schlafly
$15.92 - Miller Lite
$14.56 - V-8
$10.99 - Bath Towel
$7.49 - Raisin Bran
$28.99 - Fleece Jacket
$22.98 - Frozen Chicken
$18.09 - Disney DVD
$10.89 - Gum Variety Pack
$4.45 - Eggs
$13.49 - Salmon
$8.79 - LC Spa #27
$36.99 - Johnnie Walker Red
$11.98 - Swiffer Duster / Refills
$34.99 - Patron Silver
$9.99 - Clam Chowder
$10.99 - Lobster Bisque
$6.99 - Deli Chicken
$11.69 - Deli Turkey
$4.89 - Veggie Straws
$5.49 - Snap Peas
$5.49 - Snap Peas
$3.99 - Mini Peppers
$8.99 - Broccoli Cheese Soup
$10.99 - Tortilla Soup
$11.49 - Tuna
$10.65 - Irish Cheddar Cheese
$7.99 - Apple Pears
$12.54 - Swiffer Sweeper Refills

Ok, so... what the hell?! Do you see extreme extravagances?! Sure, there are a lot of non-Ramen items, but I think eating salmon and broccoli soup should be one of the perks of having a "normal job." There's some beer and hard liquor on there, but c'mon... those are practically necessities. The Disney DVD? The extra bath towel? The gum? No, I probably didn't NEED those things, but they're hardly caviar or wall-mounted talking fish. And I don't know what the LC Spa #27 item was.... probably some masturbatory aid that John threw in the cart.

Yeah, John was shopping with me and a couple of the items were his. But we were both unprepared for the final dollar amount. It was a full cart, and we joked about "The Price Is Right" style estimates for what the grand total would be. I said $250. The checker said $299. The cash register gave us an exact total, and is probably celebrating on a beach somewhere.

So yeah, I'm going to do my damnedest not to go to the grocery store until ALL of these items have been consumed. I need to know just how long this will last me. Any guesses?

If I don't make it at least halfway through November, I may have to stop eating entirely.

What's in a name?

The name of this Blog is a merger of some of the evolutions of various internet identities I have had throughout my years in cyberspace. I'm not completely happy with it, but it serves its purpose and is probably about as good as anything else I might have come up with after more thought. Maybe it will grow on me. Maybe it will grow on you. And maybe we will grow together. Welcome to my new Blog!