The Beast

I have been driving hand-me-down cars/trucks, and sometimes company vehicles, nearly all of my life. It's worked out fairly well for me. I always had a fairly reliable ride, and my car expense has always been minimal. Obviously, my personal preferences were sacrificed, and I mostly drove big vehicles with poor gas mileage, but that never bothered me too much. The advantages greatly outweighed the few disadvantages. And in fact, the only time in my life that I have ever picked a vehicle for myself was when I was sixteen years old. I bought a 1985 Chevy K5 Blazer, and when that died, so too did my first, last, and only car chosen by me, for me, and from a whole world of car options.

I've been driving the same company vehicle for the last couple of years, and as usual, what it saves me in insurance is worth not having a car of my own choosing. However, I am a homeowner now! And by combining a car with my home, my insurance would actually be cheaper than if I kept the company car and shopped for home insurance on my own. Knowing this, I've started taking steps to take the car off of the company's hands.

Now this has me thinking: I'm about to own a car for the first time in years! I could actually make decisions about whether to keep it or possibly get something else if I wanted. And then that got me thinking: Wow, if I could have anything (within reason) that I wanted, what would I want?! I haven't asked myself that question since I was sixteen! I haven't thought about it. What would I want? So, I thought about it, and realized that my answer is the same as it was when I was sixteen. I want my old Blazer back. That was the most fun driving I have ever had in my entire life. Maybe it's a mini mid-life crisis, maybe I'm just being nostalgic, but I think it's real. I feel like an old man for saying this, but they don't make 'em like that anymore! My Blazer was full size and was just as wide and powerful as any big truck or suburban of its day. It even had a nickname: my high school friends called it "The Beast." When we walked into a parking lot, we didn't have to try to remember where I parked, our eyes found it instantly. "The Beast." Come on, when was the last time you had a car with enough personality to name it? I just did a quick google search, and here's the closest thing I can find to what The Beast looked like:

I never would have thought it at the time, but my old Blazer is becoming a classic. They stopped making that model in 1991, and they stopped making a two door, full size anything in 1999. So, that's it. If you want a big two door Blazer, you gotta look to the 70's, 80's, and 90's. The 70's and 80's models even had a removeable hard top for a jeep-like summer time quality. When was the last time you saw that on a car?

So, anyway, yeah... I'm going to get to work on looking for an old K5. Let me know if you see one! They are actually even more rare in Missouri, where our snow and salt wreaked havoc on the historically rust-prone Chevy's. I may have to take a mini-vacation and drive one back from California. Anyone up for a road trip?

Crack whores

Why is it that there is an entire segment of the population that seems to show so much more butt crack than the rest of us? No, I'm not talking about the girl at the bar stool with her ass hanging out. Depending on her body type (I know... sad but true), it's either pretty alright or kinda horrible. But aside from that, it's pretty much always horrible. I'm talking about tradesmen like carpenters and plumbers. I mean, it's infamous enough an occurrence that "plumber's crack" has entered our vernacular. As a plumber, would you not therefore be hyper-aware of your stereotype? I can certainly tell you a lot of Polish jokes...

Sure, they may be bent over more in their line of work, but I feel the root cause is ill-fitting clothing (or a lack belts), not posture. Is the extra skin that's being revealed a sign of a secret hope that the plot of thousands of porn movies comes true? Or am I just being a snob? Should people not take public decency (not to mention comfort) as earnestly as I do?

Yes, we've had a carpenter working on our office for weeks now, and while his butt cleavage may not be exceedingly epic on any given day, his steadfast consistency is worthy of legend.

Seriously, dude... pull up your pants.


P.S. Did anyone else see the pun potential of "Sad Butt, Rue?"

Men: This may change your life

In my years on Earth, I have made a few life-altering personal discoveries. One day I may sit down and make a list of all of them so that I may pass on this acquired knowledge. Today is not that day.

However, about 10 years ago, I first discovered the wonderment that is body powder. It changed my life for the better. I can't imagine living without out it. The only problem was the options:

1) Baby Powder - This stuff is the easiest to find, and the cheapest. However, baby powder smells like... baby powder.

2) Shower to Shower - This was pretty much the best option, in my opinion. But, it's a little more expensive and it's harder to find. Also, you need to shop that creepy section of the store that's dominated by strange "woman-products" like the "half-loaf-of-bread" sponges. And of course this product was designed with women in mind, so you had less-than-masculine fragrance options like lilac, lavender, etc... You needed to find something like "tropical island" or some other almost sexually ambiguous smell.

3) The Powders in the Men's Section - These were, ironically (or perhaps not... whatever, shut up), my least preferred option. We're talking about Gold Bond and the like. Sure, they had more manly smells, but they were all "medicated powders!" So, they had that smell in the mix as well. And... they tingled and sometimes even burned! These powders were designed with specific issues in mind, and were less than ideal for general daily use.

Men, the Gods of Freshness have finally smiled upon us! A recent trip to the store revealed this physical manifestation of Their Benevolence:

Yes, friends. At long last, a man may enjoy body powder while still smelling like a man. It is a great day, indeed. (And it's about time. I mean, Shower to Shower is made by "Johnson & Johnson." You'd have thought it would have occurred to "Dick Euphemism & Dick Euphemism" to make a version of their product for people with... "Johnsons.")

Rams / Rush Limbaugh

If you haven't been paying attention, Rush Limbaugh has been a part of a group of partners submitting a bid to purchase the St Louis Rams. Everyone and their sister who disagrees with Rush politically has come out of the woodwork to try to keep this from going down. It got crazy enough that Rush has backed out, and the bid is going forward without his involvement.

My take: I just don't get it. Maybe someone can explain it me. I don't get what the fuck difference it makes; or who may or may not offer to buy something in the open market. Why does it matter? Or more importantly, how dare you get involved in someone else's business transaction? Are you going to start deciding who can buy a house in your neighborhood? This is the same damn thing.

Who cares if you disagree politically? How does that affect the sport? The NFL allows players convicted of manslaughter and dog-fighting. That's right. People who play the game are directly involved with killing humans and puppies, but Rush Limbaugh is too controversial to be part owner of a team. That's retarded.

But he's RACIST. Oh is he? If you're claiming that, I can promise you I have listened to his show more than you have. He hasn't said the racist things he's been accused of saying. Do I think Rush is a racist? Well, you can never truly know what's in a man's heart. Maybe he is. I think everyone is at least a little bit racist. But even if he is, is he any more racist than any other rich white person? How many rich white people own sports teams?

If there's something I've missed, please explain it to me. You'd think the average football fan would be more concerned with the Rams' string of losses than with who owns the team. When you have the longest losing streak in the NFL, you might want to embrace just about any change.

MasturDating

So... as I have found myself back in St Louis with a social circle consisting mostly of friends who are married, I've decided to give the internet dating scene a try. I have a profile up on Match.com, so that's a bit of my writing that people who aren't trying to date me may never come across. I thought I'd share it in this Blog. Feel free to give me tips/pointers. My future children may thank you for your role in their creation! Here's what I have so far:


Headline:
I do a great Sean Connery.


for fun:
I like going out sometimes. I like staying in sometimes. I'm sure that makes me different from everyone else in the world.

my job:
I work for a steel company. I was doing sales from my apartment in Chicago, but my dad had a health scare several months ago, and that prompted me to move back and take on more responsibility.

my religion:
There needs to be a category for Catholic/Agnostic. I'd totally check that box.

my education:
There also needs to be a category for "Some Grad School, but I dropped out because I decided not to be an Opera singer." I'd check that box, too.

favorite things:
Lost, Family Guy, Dexter, South Park, The Simpsons, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Flight of the Conchords, Entourage, Battlestar Galactica, Mythbusters, ... I'm going to stop now.

about me and who I'm looking for:
I've noticed a lot of profiles include phrases like "I'd like someone who can keep up with me" or "Can you keep up?" Do relationships usually involve a lot of running? No wonder they can be exhausting...

I'm tall, not dark (don't even tan that well) and honest. Probably honest and blunt to a fault. I don't play games unless they are fun. I have some kind of beard more often than not, but someone always makes me shave before it grows to truly epic, civil war proportions. There's oodles more to me than this, but we need something to talk about when we go out, right?

Ok, so what's my type? Definitely someone with some sass. A little on the girly side is great, but she should be willing to dress down and get some dirt in the fingernails sometimes. And she absolutely needs to be able to hold her own in a fast-paced, wit-flying conversation with my friends or family. And physically? Well, she has to look better in one of my shirts than I do. (Shouldn't be too hard.)

An ideal first date would include dinner or drinks, being goofy, and impressing eath other with useless trivia and endless sarcasm. If we have time, we can fix global warming and solve the health care crisis. Maybe we'll hunt a bear.

Nobel Noob

Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize today.

"Obama won? Really? Wow," said David Hassan, 43, of Pine Brook, New Jersey, from his coffee and pastry cart in Times Square. "He deserves it I guess, he's the president. He's a smart guy and I guess he's into peace."

Now, we're only three Blogs into this new site, so you may not know what my political leanings are. I'll be upfront and honest; I have a conservative bias. But seriously? Come on. This is... ri-donk-ulous. I'm probably not going to be able to add much to the discussion that hasn't already been better stated elsewhere. But what I can do is sum it all up and offer my own mini-rant:

The deadline for nominations was February 1st, 2009. The Presidential Inauguration was January 20th, 2009, less than two weeks prior. Obama is the third sitting president to ever be given this peace prize. And he was nomimated after being in office for less than two weeks. So, either he did something remarkable between January 20th and February 1st, or he was nominated simply for winning an historic election. Oh, and not being Bush. That's a good thing, too.

Except, what non-Bush things has he done? Gitmo hasn't been closed. We're still fighting, and even adding more troops, in Afghanistan. SNL is doing comedy skits on just how little Obama has done or changed anything.

Okay, so there's no change... yet. But there's still hope, right? I mean, that's what this guy is all about. Hope and Change? It's even been said that this award is less about what's he's accomplished and more about encouraging him to follow through on his promises. It's preemptive. I mean, we all KNOW he's going to do great things right? What's wrong with helping build a little momentum?

Here's what's wrong (at least in my mind): Every decision the dude makes from this point on is going to be in the shadow of this "Peace Prize." He still has 3-7 years left in office. He may have to make a military decision between now and the end of his presidency. Is he going to have to decide between what he should do and what a "Nobel Peace Prize Winner" would do? I hope not. And frankly, I think he's smarter than that. But I do think the global community is trying to influence him that way. In the best light, this is silly. In the worst light... ok it's still silly.

Two key White House aides were both convinced they were being punked when they heard the news, reported ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos.

“It’s not April 1, is it?” one said.

I spent $500 at Costco last night

The title of the post may be a little misleading. I apologize. Actually, I spent $498.70. I am still in shock. How is this possible?!

Here's a list of the stuff on the receipt... these prices may appear high, but you can assume that most of what I bought was some sort of large, bulk/economy package:

$9.69 - Popcorn
$6.49 - Cereal
$15.99 - Coffee
$13.39 - DayQuil
$13.39 - NyQuil
$19.88 - Tide
$6.99 - Apples
$21.99 - Schlafly
$15.92 - Miller Lite
$14.56 - V-8
$10.99 - Bath Towel
$7.49 - Raisin Bran
$28.99 - Fleece Jacket
$22.98 - Frozen Chicken
$18.09 - Disney DVD
$10.89 - Gum Variety Pack
$4.45 - Eggs
$13.49 - Salmon
$8.79 - LC Spa #27
$36.99 - Johnnie Walker Red
$11.98 - Swiffer Duster / Refills
$34.99 - Patron Silver
$9.99 - Clam Chowder
$10.99 - Lobster Bisque
$6.99 - Deli Chicken
$11.69 - Deli Turkey
$4.89 - Veggie Straws
$5.49 - Snap Peas
$5.49 - Snap Peas
$3.99 - Mini Peppers
$8.99 - Broccoli Cheese Soup
$10.99 - Tortilla Soup
$11.49 - Tuna
$10.65 - Irish Cheddar Cheese
$7.99 - Apple Pears
$12.54 - Swiffer Sweeper Refills

Ok, so... what the hell?! Do you see extreme extravagances?! Sure, there are a lot of non-Ramen items, but I think eating salmon and broccoli soup should be one of the perks of having a "normal job." There's some beer and hard liquor on there, but c'mon... those are practically necessities. The Disney DVD? The extra bath towel? The gum? No, I probably didn't NEED those things, but they're hardly caviar or wall-mounted talking fish. And I don't know what the LC Spa #27 item was.... probably some masturbatory aid that John threw in the cart.

Yeah, John was shopping with me and a couple of the items were his. But we were both unprepared for the final dollar amount. It was a full cart, and we joked about "The Price Is Right" style estimates for what the grand total would be. I said $250. The checker said $299. The cash register gave us an exact total, and is probably celebrating on a beach somewhere.

So yeah, I'm going to do my damnedest not to go to the grocery store until ALL of these items have been consumed. I need to know just how long this will last me. Any guesses?

If I don't make it at least halfway through November, I may have to stop eating entirely.

What's in a name?

The name of this Blog is a merger of some of the evolutions of various internet identities I have had throughout my years in cyberspace. I'm not completely happy with it, but it serves its purpose and is probably about as good as anything else I might have come up with after more thought. Maybe it will grow on me. Maybe it will grow on you. And maybe we will grow together. Welcome to my new Blog!